The New Helot

I recently(ish) got a job at the consumerist, as an intern sorting the almighty tipline. I have been a little successful so far, a few of my posts bubbling to the surface in a sort of panic-induced joy. I mean, if I am doing a bad job, not   of them will get to the front page, right? So, in what little time I have of solitude, I have been meditating on what would make a good story, or more generally, what it means to exist as a consumer - what is customer service, what is good customer service, what is a lie, and what is true? What laws does one lose when they enter a retail establishment, and what responsibilities do businesses have to the consumer, and vice versa?

This came to a boiling point- more appropriately, a climax- when I was visiting a friend who had recently came back from Iraq. He was telling a story (to someone else- my ears are giant) about how a thrifty retailer was selling a t-shirt for 19 bucks, and the shirt meant you got one free lapdance. Apparently, there were rules about lapdances, and someone had a lot of shirts. My mind didn’t bother trying to deduce the specific situation, as much as all the thoughts and feeling coalesced into a single bubble of thought.

The Lapdance shirt had you paying more money for a greater output. Therefor, why not pay less for lesser output? Well, that’s walmart. But what about a severely lowered payment for a severely lesser outcome- in fact, a direct bad think would happen to you? What if you could pay for something in shame? The Horrible amalgam of retail outlets and Shadenfreude: Shop’n'freude. (Schadenbaums also acceptable).  This may be my one great idea, so bear with me.
The idea is that the prices would be so low, because you are literally paying in shame.  Everything at SNF would have two prices: one would be the regular, big-box retail outlet price, sales et all. Beneath that, however, is a color-coded pricing system that is only available to those precious SNF card club holders.  The colors respond to discounts, so that one item (For example, a 56′ HDTV) would have a ridiculously low cost ($300), but more importantly, the color would also respond to a specific list of acts of shame that would be wrought upon you (You are forced to strip into your underwear, cover yourself in KY, and make a slip-and-slide out of the linoleum floors until skin rubs with tile). Things need not be as horrible- Want that shirt for 50 cents? Ok - but the person ringing you out has to give an open palm slap to your face. Have a Nice day.

Here’s the genius of the idea: It’s all videotaped. Live streaming video, like porn, DVD’s put out of all the best ones, Even a bi-weekly tv-show hosted by Bob-fucking-saget! Jesus Christ, it’s the shame of fear factor except now it’s NATIONWIDE, and everyone’s grandma is lining up to get ass-smacked with a piece of Ham to afford the newest iphone! It’s wonderful, delightful, delicious chaos that is marketable and would ruin walmart. Can you imagine? The Retail outlets trying to adopt SNF’s new world order, with target opening “Grievance Lanes” to accommodate the writhing masses, demanding to walk paces around the store with their pants around their ankles to get milk for a nickel? Each one trying to out-do the next one, with people darting to blue-light specials covered in Tar, or maybe Jam, just awaiting whatever the next challenge will be, so ready to forgo their self respect for the new Miley Cyrus CD? Wouldn’t even be illegal. All SNF club-card members would have to sign a waiver, forgoing them for suing SNF, and knowing that they are getting these prices because they are agreeing to perform these acts, and can absolutely buy them at the normal price if they so choose. They forgo all rights to their image, and understand that they could be used in television -fuck it, people wanna be on TV! They’d come dressed and Mimes, or Luchadore, or any god damn costume and perform the ” Walk with a banana between your thighs” trick over and over again, hoping to get introduced by BOBFUCKINGSAGET!  And what about returns! What exchanges only, yea, but what if something is out of stock, nothing able to replenish it? Oh man, that’s a special. Charge a ticket for that, because he gets to enact out the revenge on the establishment! Oh, yeah, a little revenge! Buy it up, America!

It’s everything that we hate about America, and it’s everything we’d love to watch.  It’s beautiful, it’s horrible, and it’d be a fucking goldmine. So who’s up? Who’s got the balls to take us this low? C’mon people, I just lost myself in a whole rant! This should be addressed.

Jobs are Fun.

I am sitting here in my computer chair covered in sweat. I am panting heavily, my body in complete relaxation, a mild sort of pleasure courses through my face- aftershocks of my recent sin. I almost feel ashamed, but in reality, I know that I fucking love this feeling.

No, I wasn’t masturbating. I was Feeding off of the collective intolerance of the internet: I am an ignorance vampire

Though I consistently blame doc for introducing me to Schadenfraude, in truth I was already sublimely intimate with the process, though I might not have realized there was a name for it. It is a curious habit of mine, an origin masked in psychology. I simply go on the internet, and search for the most intolerant, hateful, god-fucking-awful stuff I can find and view it whole heartedly. A Christian calling Atheism a Belief on youtube? Mmm. Westboro Baptist Bitch on Fox? Fuck yes. Evilution? Oh god, keep it coming. (My dad is so totally a rock.)

Obviously,  I don’t believe any word of this. It is horrible, mind-numbing ignorance. But I think that might be part of this sado-masochistic intellectual ritual of mine, a sort of swimming in the murky depths so that I might inoculate myself against the tides of anti-science and bigotry.

There’s one explanation: I am simply preparing myself, right? I mean, every time a single phrase is uttered ( Atheism is a belief!) my mind is immediately posturing the correct rebuttal (the same way that bald is a hair color). So it could be that I am just attempting to become mentally callous?

There is a total Ego side of it as well; here I am, the learned man of fortune looking down on the harrowed masses of intolerance. However, in true analysis, I don’t really feel like that- In fact, there is a quite a bit of tantric dormancy at work. I’d like nothing more than to talk to these people, to dissasemble them, perhaps learn something, teach them something.

Which leads to the ever present escalation. It seems like now, I am seeding people around me for discussion. At work, I have nearly gotten in serious trouble for bringing it up and then debating it. This is perhaps my only real evil: I steer a conversation towards a particular point, and as soon as they throw a controversial/conservative/theistic viewpoint about, I hit them with all the various debate points and evidence that I have kept spring loaded for what at that moment seems like ages. They are innocent bystanders, and all I want is my opponent to be as heartfelt and as involved in the debate as I am. I get this through my attacks on the Mac brand (irony is, I am writing this on my girlfriends Mac. Does this qualify as Kink?) and my stalwart defense of the Xbox and wii brands ( which is really another way of saying attack on Playstation, but two attacks and I seem angry). These topics are more culturally relevant to those in my age bracket, yet imply that I am a nerd who gorges himself on stupidity and conflict. I have actually turned heads and minds from the neutral set: those who really have yet to consider, I come at the right time to testify, as it where, to the ways of the mind. I suppose that makes me evangelical, which is one in a series of mounting ironies.

If anyone needs me, I’ll Be on Christchan.

Straight from the Horses mouth:

Jbj “You realize, Alex… you may be the Wisest Man in America?”

Can’t make this up, folks.

As anyone following my twitter feed (all twelve of you, Also Barack) I have been playing Wii Fit as of last wednesday, and… well, I feel healther, but the damn scale keeps going up. In any case, I highly reccomend it - it certainley makes you think twice before picking up that bag of cheetoes. It is rough, considering temptation is right down the street. Also, I am considering switching to Coke Zero… We’ll see.

I’ve also been doting around the Penny-Arcade game, On the Rain Slick Precipice of Darkness. Literally available everywhere (mac, linux, PC, Xbox) I am playing it on the PC and it is easily one of the funnest games out there. It’s irreverant comedy and fun gameplay almost distract me from the fact it is groundbreaking- what other webcomics can boast they have contribute so much to the genre they parody so perfectly. Oh, that’s right - Penny-Arcade.

In School news; Best semester ever, just in time for my special studies push. I’ll be working with Doc on the advising thing, who I am surprised does not want to kill me, after what I have done to his son. To be honest, I am more than excited - the academic process has always intrigued me, and now that i have a leg to stand on academic-wise, it will be fun. After some thought this year, I have decided to indulge the once ignored thoughts and change my goal: I’d love to be a Professor, get a doctorate and some rougeish chap to call my Protege. I’ll give credit where it is due.

Meanwhile, I came upon this while reddit-ing earlier today (in a wii-fit induced pain crunch). Most interesting to me is the information near the bottom: Apparently the Alpha software had much more brute versions of the Troll and Tauren Females, ones that match the looks of the male species. In the Case of the Troll, the posture is actually what piques my interest. The Male troll is hunched over, with large knees and and arched spine suggesting that crouching or squatting is a common position for the species- any male troll players will know this to be true, and by the alpha shot of the female troll, it is reflected. However, in the final release of the game, we see a much more slender, or as the article suggests, ‘pretty’ version of the troll female. Ultimately, it looks like realism was sacrificed in the name of vanity- understandable, but somewhat reflective of overall culture. There are some relative realism between the sexes- I mean, the Orc women could pretty much tear me in half and Tauren females aren’t exactly anorexic- but looking at the differences between Draenei male and female, I have to wonder how these particular species mate…. I mean, you could probably fit three women in the chest space of a draenei male.

I may post on this in the future, as my girlfriend is a staunch player and supporter of troll females -I am curious to know which she prefers, the current version or the rougher alpha. Regardless, I still think she is Hawt.

My youtube project from Doc’s class all set and ready for veiwmafication. Enjoy.

I was doing some major spring cleaning, and I stumbled across my very first college notebook (I now exclusively use Moleskine, specifically Cahiers, because they are awesome per-class notebooks, they make me look intellectual, and I hate money). Among several things in this notebook ( an awesome GTD poster, the ‘why’ behind my D in Psychology) I found the very first notes I ever took in college, which can be attributed to Dr. Jason B. Jone’s freshman compisition Class. The following are the notes, unabridged.

College = Awesome.

Jet li = Awesome.

Therefore, College = Jet Li?

S+M = Awesome.

Dr. Jones = Awesome.

Therefore….

Looking back, it kind of sets the tone for everything that followed.

Here (http://rickroll.it/06b6e7) you can find the Digital text versions of the famed Lone Wolf series; a choose-your-own-adventure book with full RPG tendencies; Spells, weapons, all that.  I recall waterlogged versions of these back in my grandparents house; I cannot wait to get to do these again.

Lets get some content up on Here:

You Can find my Undergraduate Research and Creative Achievement Day Presentation (at CCSU)  Here: http://alexjarvi.pbwiki.com/URCAD, where I introduce one idea I hope to expand; Query-Compile Twitter Poetry.

Hello world, and all that.