I am sitting here in my computer chair covered in sweat. I am panting heavily, my body in complete relaxation, a mild sort of pleasure courses through my face- aftershocks of my recent sin. I almost feel ashamed, but in reality, I know that I fucking love this feeling.
No, I wasn’t masturbating. I was Feeding off of the collective intolerance of the internet: I am an ignorance vampire
Though I consistently blame doc for introducing me to Schadenfraude, in truth I was already sublimely intimate with the process, though I might not have realized there was a name for it. It is a curious habit of mine, an origin masked in psychology. I simply go on the internet, and search for the most intolerant, hateful, god-fucking-awful stuff I can find and view it whole heartedly. A Christian calling Atheism a Belief on youtube? Mmm. Westboro Baptist Bitch on Fox? Fuck yes. Evilution? Oh god, keep it coming. (My dad is so totally a rock.)
Obviously, I don’t believe any word of this. It is horrible, mind-numbing ignorance. But I think that might be part of this sado-masochistic intellectual ritual of mine, a sort of swimming in the murky depths so that I might inoculate myself against the tides of anti-science and bigotry.
There’s one explanation: I am simply preparing myself, right? I mean, every time a single phrase is uttered ( Atheism is a belief!) my mind is immediately posturing the correct rebuttal (the same way that bald is a hair color). So it could be that I am just attempting to become mentally callous?
There is a total Ego side of it as well; here I am, the learned man of fortune looking down on the harrowed masses of intolerance. However, in true analysis, I don’t really feel like that- In fact, there is a quite a bit of tantric dormancy at work. I’d like nothing more than to talk to these people, to dissasemble them, perhaps learn something, teach them something.
Which leads to the ever present escalation. It seems like now, I am seeding people around me for discussion. At work, I have nearly gotten in serious trouble for bringing it up and then debating it. This is perhaps my only real evil: I steer a conversation towards a particular point, and as soon as they throw a controversial/conservative/theistic viewpoint about, I hit them with all the various debate points and evidence that I have kept spring loaded for what at that moment seems like ages. They are innocent bystanders, and all I want is my opponent to be as heartfelt and as involved in the debate as I am. I get this through my attacks on the Mac brand (irony is, I am writing this on my girlfriends Mac. Does this qualify as Kink?) and my stalwart defense of the Xbox and wii brands ( which is really another way of saying attack on Playstation, but two attacks and I seem angry). These topics are more culturally relevant to those in my age bracket, yet imply that I am a nerd who gorges himself on stupidity and conflict. I have actually turned heads and minds from the neutral set: those who really have yet to consider, I come at the right time to testify, as it where, to the ways of the mind. I suppose that makes me evangelical, which is one in a series of mounting ironies.
If anyone needs me, I’ll Be on Christchan.
